As a youngster, I would do most of my philosophical abstract thinking on the loo. It was a place of tranquillity, if I made it there on time. And there was always a familiar face that looked like a nice troll, in the wood door. The knotting of this piece of timber seriously made this fellow incredibly realistic. Except he had one eye that was slightly evil. I didn’t mind though. He never had a name, but I always thought of him as the Gatekeeper of the Toilet.
A common philosophical thread was I’m Jessie but who’s Jessie? I knew I was named Jessie, but I felt a deep gaping hole of unexplained circumstance. Such thoughts defiantly left the loo and were shared amongst fellow 5 year olds. But they always just starred at me blankly, and changed the subject.
Most of the time I would make friends with people who had animals. As I was never aloud any. I was more excited to see their animals than them. They hated it, and sometimes threatened our friendship with dismissal if I kept giving the animals more attention than them.
My best friend and I used to collect things, and take part in around 8-10 clubs at a time. Clubs for each mode of interest e.g stamp club, spy club, cooking club, animal club… There were only ever two members, her and me. Yes, we had membership cards for each. This is her write up in my friend book.
One time, Nicole and I decided to hide behind the shed, shoo the cat away and eat it’s biscuits. They were so dry, but overall not bad. Her mum found us and I was sent home. She probably blamed it on me, as she was a self confessed briber and avid fibber (see above).
As I grew up, friends came and went. Some for peculiar reasons. Once I decided to run away because of a totally irrational situation I’m sure. I had utilized the back of my diary for secret information on how to survive on the run. A secret desire of mine. It had the price of bread (that I had seen on a sign near my home) and information on cab fares. I used to ask random questions about life to my parents, and put them here. I forced my friend to come with me, my handkerchief sack and stick, even though she didn’t want to. Looking back, she was kind of like a hostage. We made it down the street, before my mum called her mum. We never hung out again. Apparently I was too much of a bad influence.
Books, I loved books. Mostly never read them, but used them for company. I loved pictures. For some reason, even though I couldn’t understand it, I found comfort sitting with this book. The man on the cover gave me the creeps though. But I was fascinated with his gold tooth, and deep down thought he may be a pirate.
These were a couple of images that I would stare at, within ‘animals of the tropics’ and ‘A Book of Science’. They were thought provoking. I was totally fascinated and in disbelief of just how this fish could be out of water. As well as why this girl would voluntarily do such a thing as touch this implement, it looked painful.
When I was 11, I realised I could be something other than an 11 year old when older. Casting aside my outdated 6 year old career aspiration to be a shop keeper. I learned the title Marine Biologist, from my cousin, feeling proud of knowing such big words and having such a clear life plan so young. Basically all I knew was you got to work with dolphins. Also at this age, I conducted a thoroughly researched ‘History of Signatures’ as well as wrote a book. The book won a prize in the Make-a-Book competition and my signature is still the same to this very day.
Whenever I would watch a movie, I was far more excited to see the end after the end. The part where coloured bars make up a rainbow surrounded by a constant muted tone. Annoying for most, the little me, found immense peace here.
A pivotal moment of disturbance for me as a child was when I found my brothers porn magazine collection. More so shock, than disturbance. I remember just starring at the girls, not in disbelief, for I didn’t have a belief system, yet. But in a kind of, is this even real? Yet totally fascinated. My sister came in as I was stuck gawking, took them away. I never saw anything of the likes again. It didn’t stop me from looking for them.
Maybe we do just grow back into our child self, if given the chance. Away from all the stresses of our modern world. Although, I can’t say that I look for porn these days.